Knowing how to fight can save your relationship
Sometimes my boyfriend and I argue . Usually, our disputes are not terrible wars that escalate to the point of causing a breakup or malicious act. We argue about the same things as any couple who are arguing recently: laundry, money, or leaving the toilet seat up.
However, when we discuss one of these arguments, everything that happens beneath the surface becomes a war. This kind of fights always ends the same way ; someone says something offensive, the other launches an explanatory and leaves alone.
Are we dysfunctional when a little bit of nothing turns into something big? I asked Ian Kerner, sex therapist and relationship counselor and author of She Comes First , if we should put down our combat gloves and call it a truce before it becomes ugly. Where is it best to stay stubborn all night and arrange things the next day?
” Strong emotions can deflect our brains and make us react unproductively, ” says Kerner. For example, when my boyfriend asks me why I’m two hours late for dinner, I’m on the defensive. Then he gets on the defensive because I took defensive action about something I should have done (like phoning him to tell him I was stuck in the office and eating without me). Then we discuss my delay as if it was the end of the world.
Mr. Kerner goes on to say that mooring and inflating, or avoiding and holding grudges will not help you find a solution about what you are really fighting for.
I say to Dr. Kerner that every time I try to find the courage to call it a truce and stop screaming, I’m too stubborn and I can not apologize. After all, he was partly wrong to make me feel guilty for having to stay at the office late.
” Part of the process of talking to a loved one is seeing through each other’s eyes ,” says Kerner. ” Like that, you’re not arguing, Trialix you’re trying to find a solution. ” Perhaps by apologizing for my mistake, immediately before trying to defend myself, it will help him see that I care about what he says.
Of course, sometimes, when couples quarrel, the point of apologizing is gone too fast and everyone is on their knees to prove their version of the story. In this case, Kerner suggests taking a time out.
” Letting others say what they have to say can sometimes be beneficial, ” he says. ” When they finish talking, take a few minutes to calm down. If you are able to process your thoughts, you will be able to deal with your emotions constructively the next time you speak. ”
When I think about it, I never really want to fight when I argue – most often, it’s a huge situation, which can be easily solved if I stop for a second to think about what I’m doing. means.
By the time we reach the final stages of our argument, we have already said everything that annoys each other. Now our little problem is not so small and we went to our separate corners to sulk in silence. Is it a good idea to stay indifferent all night and arrange things the next day?
” Although people consider sleeping on it as a good way to resolve a conflict, it’s always best to deal with a situation as soon as possible, ” says Kerner. ” The memories and feelings will always be fresh and you will be able to really identify what is bothering you and what is a practical solution for both of you . ”
Will my boyfriend and I be able to put our stubbornness aside and beat us effectively? Next time, I’m testing Dr. Kerner’s advice. Although, I do not try to fight, in any relationship, it is always better to communicate about the good, the bad and the ugly. Fighting the right way can be the key to finding a positive solution for both of you.